Sea of Grey pt 1.

I came to my senses in a world of grey. Before my eyes was a dimly lit, swirling, formless space. A fear settled in my stomach, was this nothingness? Where was I? I couldn't quite remember. A memory of being unable to breathe floated up, then descended again as I tried to remember why. I realized I was lying on my back and was staring at the sky.

My hands searched around me trying to find something familiar. They rubbed across a polished surface, wood worn smooth by many years of use. The sound of water filled my ears and I could feel a gentle rocking beneath me. The strong smell of salt and iodine filled my nose. I sat up and looked around, willing the impressions of my eyes, hands, ears and nose to make sense. 

I looked down at myself and was surprised to find I was wearing simple flannel pajamas with green pinstripes. I didn't think that was normal, but couldn't be sure. I stood up slowly on unsteady legs and in front of me, out of the grey, resolved a triangular wall of dark blue. It was a sail, my memory told me. "A boat." A voice said out of the silence. I started for a moment before I realized the voice was mine. 

I was on a boat, and an old one at that. An image of dark skinned traders sailing up and down hot sultry coasts came to mind. "A dhow" the voice said. My voice said. Was this important? I just didn't know.

I looked out from the dhow to the water that surrounded it. The formless grey surrounded me on all sides. Mist, my brain told me. It wasn't nothingness; it was water droplets suspended in air. It was a real thing. The fear in the pit of my belly lessened, but did not subside. I was on an old boat in the middle of a misty sea. What had happened to get me here?

A cool moist breeze picked up and I thought I could hear a voice. Or was two? A man and a woman whispering. "Hello?" I shouted. The loudness hurt my throat. The voices seemed to turn towards me but then they faded away, the mist swallowing up the sound. I wanted to shout again, but the silence of the grey swirling fog made it seem better to remain mute.

The breeze blew again and the dhow began to move on its own, the sail and rigging acting as is manipulated by masterful, yet unseen hands. Where was I being taken? Why was this happening? I had no answers and hoped that perhaps the dhow would take me to some.

Minutes passed, or was it hours? Days even? The light in this place never seemed to change and the endless mist stole away any true indication of time. I caught glimpses of dark shapes moving beyond the dull silver curtain that surrounded my small ship. An oppressive silence pervaded everything. I began to drift to sleep, lulled by the quiet sound of water against the hull.

Panic seized me. NO! I shouted. I must not fall asleep, I told myself. Why? More questions, still no answers. More time passed.

The grinding sound of sand against the prow of my dhow startled me to attention. Had I been asleep? No, daydreaming, but of what? A woman and a beautiful one at that, or so I thought. But the memory slipped away and I could no longer see her.

The dhow had come to rest on a beach of the blackest sand. Where was this place, was it an island, or maybe the mainland? I decided to stop asking questions and to seek answers. Not finding any shoes to go with my pajamas I shrugged and leapt onto the dark shore.

Taking in my surroundings I was stymied by that blasted gloom. I could only see a limited distance and what I could see was dark and hazy. One thing did stand out, however, a small red house. Curious and pushing any fear aside, I approached it.

The roof slats were rust colored and the door was tinted a deep rose. Its wooden walls were a faded and chipped crimson. All these adjectives popped in my mind as I stood before the house. It stirred within me a memory of a boy and his father playing a game. It was their favorite game; they played it at least twice a week. Was I the boy, or was I the father? I had a feeling it was both. From within the house a voice called out to me and the front door opened. "Hello there, John! I've been expecting you."

I had a name.

In the doorway stood an older man of about 60 years of age, with a white, full and neatly trimmed beard. "Dad?" I asked, bewildered by both the sudden memory and seeing him in this place. "Why… how…?" "I know you have many questions, a torrent of them really, but I haven't much time."

He invited me into what turned out to be a cozy cottage on the inside. A small fire burned beneath a tin coffee pot which was starting to boil. The smell of dried sage and lavender hung in the air. "Tea?" my father asked. He then gestured for me to sit in a comfortable and obviously well used easy chair.

He handed me a worn and familiar mug with a bag of black tea in it, then poured in the hot water from the tin coffee pot. "Drink up, and save your questions, I have some things to say." he said. I nodded my head, took a sip and he began. "A journey of remembrance must start some place. Yours has begun here, in memory of warmth and happiness. Do you remember this place?' I shook my head. Then nodded slowly as the tea sank to my belly and a glowing recollection rose up. "This was our summer cottage, on the cape." my father prodded. I remembered.

"Good, it's starting to come back to you. Well you are on a journey, my son. Something has taken your life from you." "Am I dead?" I asked, not really wanting an answer. My father shook his head. "No. But that may change if you do not finish here. This place, this memory, is your starting point. You have trials ahead, and some demons to conquer, but hold on to your happy memories as you encounter them and never let them go."

"What do I do now, dad? Why a dhow? Why am I in pajamas?" "I can't answer those questions, son. You must discover them for yourself if you wish to return your memories. To your home and…" "And what dad?"

The house faded around us, leaving us standing in the obsidian sand, surrounded by the fog. The fear began anew in my stomach, cooling the warm tea. "I love you, son." Then he faded as well, leaving me alone and even more confused.

"Dad!" I shouted. But I knew it was no use. The grey mist seemed to move in on me, driving me back towards the dhow. "I remember being happy." I whispered to no one. Then I turned and got back into the boat.

I settled on a bench and said "let's get this journey going." A wave surged under the ship and drew it out to the sea. The sail and ropes again acted under invisible hands and the little dhow sailed into the fog, the black sand disappeared into the cloudy mist.

Resurrection Post

Contrary to popular belief, I am in fact not dead. Nor have I been kidnapped and captured by ISIS or gone into witness protection. No, instead I have been taken hostage by a woman. One who beguiled me and pursued me until I was completely entrapped. Not that I am complaining of course, I gained a family when I married her. She already had a beautiful daughter, and we now have a newborn as well.

What do I hope to do by re opening my blog? Perhaps to prompt myself to write more, self therapy is another. Mostly I just want to have fun writing about various things that interest me. Being a father is a lot about sacrifice, of time and of self. I need to sacrifice my few moments of down time a week to write here more. I feel it will to bring some center to my somewhat hectic life. Its nice to be back!

Doubt

When you are full of doubt,
    worry and fear.
When it all seems too much.
Like life is caving in.
Remember, God is with you.
It seems odd or even harsh,
    that he allows us these trials.
But trust in him.
He has a plan.
He knows the end.
You are being built up.
And prepared.
To fullfill your purpose.
He knows you can handle it,
    He has deigned it so.
So when all seems dark.
Confusing.
Or lost.
Remember, God is with you.

All in God's Timing

Biblical Waiting

Source: http://www.creationswap.com/

From a Christian standpoint we are called to wait upon the Lord.

•  “The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should hope and wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.” Lamentations 3:25-27

What this means is that, while we are not to remain still for our entire lives, there are times we need to stop and listen. We cannot hope to hear him if his voice is being drowned out by us barging on ahead and doing what we “think” He wants. His voice is often quiet, and heard only when we focus on Him.

•   “and after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice.” 1 Kings 19:12

• “Be still, and know that I am God;” Psalms 46:10

Source: http://www.creationswap.com/

When we wait for the Lord we are not inactive. On the contrary, we are to be actively seeking insight from His word. This also called your daily “quiet” time. If you are not currently partaking of a devotional each day, you are most assuredly missing out on learning things God want you to know.

These times of stillness have been wonderfully designed by our heavenly Father; for they do not serve but one purpose. They help us learn what He wants from us, but also aid in regenerating ourselves. He uses our time with Him to give us strength; which can be either or both spiritual and physical.

•   But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.  Isaiah 40:31

We also are to use our dialogue (for this is a two way conversation) with the Father to confess of our sins. He always forgives us, but we must ask for it. That un-confessed sin will hinder your relationship with him.

• And it shall be, when he is guilty in any of these matters, that he shall confess that he has sinned in that thing;” Leviticus 5:5

Source: http://www.creationswap.com/

He listens to us too. He wants us to talk to Him, like Father to child. Tell Him of your troubles and he will give you what you need. Encouragement, healing, whatever else is necessary. You must, however, learn that He knows what is best, and that might not always be what you want.

•   “And the LORD listened to the voice of Israel and delivered up the Canaanites,” Numbers 21:3

He knows the end game. He has seen it already and knows how things will go to reach it. That is why you must submit to His timing in all things.

•   “…God is greater than our heart, and knows all things.” 1 John 3:20 b

Source: http://www.creationswap.com/

If we don’t, we face the dire consequences of being out of His will. As in the case of Saul. He had been told to wait by Samuel and worried himself into disobeying. The cost was great indeed. His kingdom was through and he was sacked as ruler.

•     “You have done foolishly. You have not kept the commandment of the Lord your God, which He commanded you. For now the Lord would have established your kingdom over Israel forever. 14. But now your kingdom shall not continue. The Lord has sought for Himself a man after His own heart, and the Lord has commanded him to be commander over His people, because you have not kept what the Lord commanded you.” 1Samuel 13:13-14

For me personally, I have had to learn to wait and listen for the Lord. Circumstances in my life needed much prayer and consideration. The problem was I wasn’t putting all that much effort into it. But through what I believe was God’s intervention, I have been forced to do both. It hasn’t been an altogether pleasant experience, but we weren’t promised that learning and growing would be. I am in fact thankful for this time (as hard as it is).  

We can only be used to our fullest potential in God when we are fully submitted to Him. We can only submit to Him completely when we devote time to listen for His commands.

• “Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.”  James 4:7

Waiting

As a culture, we are taught from a young age that if we want something we can go and get it right then. Delayed satisfaction is a dirty phrase. Having to wait any amount of time is tantamount to having your human rights violated. We believe, by time we reach adulthood, that when we want something, we have to have it immediately.

            Our TV is on demand, our food is fast and our communication is instantaneous. You can be married on the spot and, in some places, be divorced just as quickly. Our transportation gets faster every year and our technology every two.



            But where is this culture of now leading us? From the standpoint of a foreign national, we appear spoiled and entitled; pretentious even. And why is waiting so bad? "If I cannot have what I want now, it isn't worth having." At least, this is the way our culture thinks.

            And don't misunderstand, I'm not saying that we should have to wait for everything, nor that fast things are bad. But instead I am saying that if we do not temper our extreme need for instantaneous gratification, we will lose our ability to value the true worth of everything.

   Which of the following are you more likely to savor?

     1. Ice cream that came from the frozen foods section at a supermarket.

     2. Ice cream that was made before your eyes.

from: twirlingclare.blogspot.com

The personal time that went into the latter is what makes it worth delighting in. It was worth the wait.

           The same applies to other areas of life too. Take the afore mentioned marriage for example. If it is rushed into, aspects of the relationship may be under-formed. Either person may be emotionally unable to function in this new setting. But if time is given to take the proper measures, both persons can be fully prepared for the actual marriage. The difficulty here being "how long is long enough?" This will depend on the individual and their maturity level.


   The point here is that waiting isn't a bad thing.




Next: Biblical Waiting.

The Boy of the Desert Pt. 3

I knew calling it a weekly story would be a bad idea. But, ah well, life happens. Now, on to the the sand.

            After what seemed an eternity, the wind slowly ebbed and the coarse grains of sand stopped trying to wear Azad down to bone. The sun was low in the sky. In his rock hole, the boy realized he was exhausted. And, without even trying, he fell into a deep sleep.

Azad dreamed of ruins carved from stone. Ancient places, worn down by centuries of sand. He also dreamed of a single, white rabbit.

When he awoke, the sun was just rising above the horizon. His head was filled with fading memories of places he didn’t know. He collected himself, and stepped out of the alcove to stretch.  He had a thick layer of sand in his clothes and was desperately wishing for a bath. At least he had some water to clear his dusty throat.

“What do I do now?” Azad asked no one in particular. He was, despite his willingness to voice it aloud, lost. The tracks he had spent all of the previous day following were long gone. Meaning his father’s camel was too. And He was ill prepared to spend more than a day or two in the desert. Azad was miserable.

With no real direction to take, he sat down in defeat.

“Ow!” he yelped.

Azad had sat down on the mystery piece of jewelry from yesterday. Taking it out of his dusty robes, the boy took the time to examine it in the sunlight. The necklace itself was made of two shapes of translucent stones, one square and the other triangular, strung together on a golden chain.

The square stones were red and seemed to be on fire when the light hit them right. The triangular stones had a yellow cast to them, almost like amber. Azad then studied the central reflective piece of glass. It was azure, the color of the sea. And on its surface were etched images.

“Huh, I didn’t see these yesterday.” He spoke aloud, to nobody in particular. He then thought that of course he hadn’t, he’d been running for his life from the sandstorm.

On the lower part of the glass disk were two outlines of what looked to be mountains. In between these was the likeness of a tree, from the roots to the branches. A circle was in the very center of the tree. The upper part of the disk had three images. On the left, what appeared to be a crescent moon and on the right, the sun.

It was what was in the center that sent new chills down his spine. The head of a rabbit. He bolted up to his feet and scanned around the rocks again, looking for the white rabbit he knew was following him. Haunting him even.

Questions bloomed in his mind. What was going on here? Why a rabbit? What did this have to do with father’s camel? Why had I not just stayed home? Why is my stomach growling?

“Ah, at least I can answer that last one.” Azad said to himself. Maybe eating would help calm him enough to think of a way home, or to find El Deloua, preferably both. He hoped it would take his mind off of what had become a frightening, confusing and mystifying situation.

Finding his satchel (glad he had not lost it in the blinding sand) with the few remaining pieces of bread and goat meat, Azad set about dusting off bits of grit and chewing his way through the rest. Twenty minutes later, his stomach placated, the boy decided to go back and look at the tree where he had first seen the necklace.  

He did not realize he had run so far and it took him another ten minutes to get back to the desert tree. Standing in front of it, hands on his hips, Azad stared. Hoping something would occur to him. Then an idea did strike.

“This is the tree!” He exclaimed loudly. “And over there and there are the mountains.”

The scene from the necklace disk was now before him. Looking up, he saw the faint crescent of the moon to his left. And the sun was now to his right. The whole thing was coming together before his eyes. But where was the rabbit?

Azad was not sure if he actually wanted to see it again, or where all of this was leading. But within him, a desire for adventure welled up. He had never truly thought of himself outside of his family life. Away from the camels and his siblings. If he could figure out what all of this meant, his father would for sure notice him.

He turned his attention back to the tree. A flash of white beyond it caught his attention. The rabbit? Whatever it was had gone in a straight line from the tree, between the mountains and between the sun and moon to a valley beyond. Now why hadn’t he seen the valley before now?

Sighing, the boy said “If I want to know what is going on, I better follow. The blasted camel can find its own way home.”

Azad then set out, not knowing that what he would find would be life altering.

A rough sketch of the necklace

Grave Angel

A random post with a random angel. A place holder till I stop being lazy.